Hello Beautiful

 

Dear Beautiful mommy,

 

I write to you today with so much concern .knowing that it’s not been easy especially considering that you are raising this beautiful gift on your own. Believe me I do understand how discouraging it must be not having a consistent income not knowing where the next meal will come from.

The people you knew while you were growing up, I know you see them all married and settled into their own families and I know they look like their lives are thriving. The person responsible, “he too got married and is happy with the new family” I know it too hurts but admitting it to those around you will not make them understand. How your life seems to have stalled yet theirs didn’t.

 

I also heard that you moved back home with your precious one. Believe that this must have been one of the hardest decisions you had to make following your strained relationship with your mom. Heard that you cry yourself to sleep every day because of the constantly being dragged by those you call family. It feels like God has had you on mute for such a long time and you are tired of your friends telling you to hang in there while they are living to their best potential.

 

It is well. I know that you have heard this for quite a long time and they sound just like words but they are words with such a deep meaning for me. IT IS WELL. Just like “hakuna matata” 😂 forgive me I just re-watched the lion king. I say this to say, what you are going through I too have gone through in fact hearing about this felt like I was hearing my story being recapped for me.

Feel like I need to share a few things that I am doing to ease this burden. First I actually talk to God, I know you will say that you have prayed enough and God doesn’t seem like He is listening but I want to tell you that He does. For real He does. I know this to be true because every time it felt like he was mute, eventually He would answer me in ways that I didn’t expect. I have learnt to trust that He really has my best interest at heart.

The second thing is when I am too angry and need to react I take a deep breathe in and out and repeat it like 5 times until the anger subsides. If I am provoked I can choose not to respond which makes it much easier for me just like Proverbs says, A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.

 

I cry a lot too. I find that at times it helps relive me from pressure and anxiety. God knew when He made tear ducts 😃😃l!

The final thing I would advise is learn to be in the moment. Enjoy the highs, mourn the lows but never dwell on things or words that people say. Remember the saying, they go low we go high? Do that .

Rest assured that I will always be here for you whenever you need counsel.

 

Sincerely

ME.

 

 

Not Employed

Helloooooo my People, its been a long minute since I was last here and in that minute a lot has happened and today I feel like I have the guts to share.

I have realised for as long as I have been online not many people talk about what I'm about to share and its sad because its a reality that we live in. Here begins my story....

The last time I earned a salary was in 2016 May.  On 1st June 2016 my then boss called me for a meeting and informed me that they can no longer keep me in their payroll and had to let me go. I appreciated her and the opportunity they had given me, went back to the office picked my bag and left.

This job was in the leafy suburbs of Kitisuru  and the distance from my job to the stage was a long one hence, I had time to ponder on what had happened. As I walked to the stage I kept thinking to myself there was no way I was going back home without a plan.

I use to live in Ruiru and there was no way I would go back home to my parents and so I needed a plan. I decided to call my friend Suzie who lives in Nakuru and told her that I needed to visit her and she was gracious enough to extend the invitation and the next day I went to Nakuru for a few days.

I can say that those few days opened up my mind because I now had a plan. I left Nakuru for home on a Saturday and went straight home. I told my parents that I had been laid off and that I was tired of being employed and looking for a job so I needed to start my own business. I had made a small business plan and had presented it to them.

They said that if that was the direction I wanted to take then they would support me. So I began my business in Ruiru. I didn't move back home and that was the best part because there was no way a 29 year old me was moving back home or so I thought. In December I moved back home because my grandmother was sick and my mom needed help. In January of 2017 my grandmother passed on and I moved back home completely.

My business began deteriorating and I closed it in Ruiru and moved it to Thika closer to home but it still didn't pick up. So in December of 2018 I closed the shop and stayed at home. I was devastated because I when I started that business I had even gone to a prayer centre to pray and fast about that decision so I couldn't understand how God  could allow this to happen. My parents kept telling me not to give up and I just couldn't  understand what they were talking about. I had tried and it had failed what more did they want? God himself was not for it so what was the point of trying. I wallowed in my misery half of January then mid January I started talking to God I told Him if He wanted me to do it again then this time round I would do it different and He had to order my every step including the location. I even had the premises prayed for and then I promised to put in the work everyday without slacking and I would be dedicated to going hard.

I would no longer be embarrassed by what I did and I would be proud of where I worked. It didn't matter whether it was white collar, blue, grey, green or whatever color i would do it as unto the Lord and since January 30th to date, I wake up at 4:30am prepare my son for school and leave for my shop by 6:10am . I love what I do and I do not take for granted that I have Duka to go to everyday.

In everything you are doing give it a 100% and do it as unto the Lord. Let your place of Work be your Ministry.

Enjoying the work of my hands

A Surprise Ruracio

I have been writing and re writing  this blog since my last post, I didn't know whether to continue writing or just drop the whole thing all together. I started questioning why I even began writing. My friend recently reminded me that it was part of My ministry and testimony all together. So I decided that I will post this blog today a day  after my sons 11th birthday. I hope to finish this story today.

Allow me to catch us all up....

I met a guy

Dated, broke up

Met up again,

Hooked up,

Got Preggers

Kept it a secret,

Parents found out,

Gave birth,

Baby Daddy went MIA Then came back

Jesus Found Me, Prayed for reconciliation, 

We got to where I was summoned by my dad after baby daddy went to meet my father. I promise to attach all links to the previous blogs .

So my Dad had asked me to come home that weekend. The days seemed as if they were flying because one minute it was Monday and my dad was calling me to tell me that my baby daddy had been to see him and the next minute its Friday and am in a matatu to Thika coming home. That evening when I heard the car pull into the garage my heart stopped like it had done some few blog posts before lol!

After we  were done with exchanging niceties the questions began. The first thing my dad wanted to know was if I knew that He was back and if He had spoken to me. When I said yes and that as per our agreement with my folks He was to come home and acknowledge His responsibilities. I explained that that was the reason he wanted to come home. So my Dad asked me to call Him and ask what time they were planning to come. We agreed that it was in the afternoon and that they were three people coming.

In the morning He called me back and told me that the plan had changed and that Six people were coming. I updated my folks and they said that it was okay. At around 11 he called me and asked me a very pertinent question, "If your folks ask you if you love me what will you say?" I was taken a back, what type of question is this? are you not just coming to say that you are the father and that you were ready to take up your responsibilities? I thought to myself. I thought about it a minute and said that I did love Him but I didn't think much about it after.

At around 2 in the afternoon, I was in the bedroom and I heard singing coming from the gate, What on earth! what was all that singing about? how strange that my neighbors would have a ruracio on the same day my baby daddy is coming to announce himself hah!  Wait! My neighbors daughter is abroad and my other neighbors has young sons so it can't be them no way. My mum came into my room and was like why are "your people" singing at the gate?

When the gate was opened they came in in droves and I could only stare from my bedroom window wondering what was going on. Why would he ask this many people to come to just say that He is the father? Why would He do this to my parents?  There was no way we were going to be able to feed this many people on such short notice. Why would he tell me six then come with 50? I had so many questions on my mind.  Was asked to stay inside and wait to be called and that is exactly  what I did. 

I have no idea what else transpired because I stayed in until my sister came to get me. 

 My folks pulled me aside and told me that His family had decided that they didn't just want the child but they wanted the child and the mother. I was asked if i was comfortable with that arrangement. I run everything in my mind and thought to myself this must be an answer to my prayers what God must want for me. I ask asked myself who else would want me with my child? It must only be the father so I said that it was okay. My parents had to ask twice to confirm if I understood what I was saying and that is how my introduction happened. The Ruracio followed that November and I moved from my parents home to his house. 

We stayed together for 3 years and after the three I came to my senses and realised that I was in it for the wrong reasons and having a child together  was not a solid enough reason to be with someone. We were constantly  falling out, he wanted to live like a bachelor and I wanted someone like my Father.  We could not agree on anything. I felt trapped. I could only share with my close friends and since they had warned me from the start not to get married to him following  all he had put me through. All they could do is encourage me and  let me know that the decision remained mine because they couldn't make it for me. 

I prayed and cried  to God almost daily asking Him to make things work, to show me the way forward. Then one day I told myself that I had cried enough and that I had to pick myself up and move on.  I went to my parents and shared all that I had been going through  and I will never forget what my father told me,  "Karimi, when you left this home we had not chased you out and this will always remain your home no matter what" they asked me if leaving was what I wanted and I told them that I had tried everything else and nothing seemed to work. 

In may of 2013, I packed up my bags and moved back home. It was not an easy decision  but it is also not one that I have regretted. 

Five years later I can honestly say I am much happier now than I was back then and that the lessons I learnt back then I carry with me to date. 

I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. 

THE END. 

How could you leave....

Today I just want to share something  different.

I know you would have hated this piece because  you enjoyed your privacy. But hey , I can do this now......

So! I remember  the first day we met like it was yesterday.  I was sitted outside  block C at jobless corner waiting for Daggy ( God rest his soul) Gosh!  Anyway, you were coming from the shops with Mike( who coincidentally was going to be my boyfriend hahaha) and you invited me for tea and I told you that I would be coming up shortly and that was it.  We became those people who salute each other with a nod when they saw each other from a far.

Later on Mike katiad (Hey its my piece, I can write whatever I want since I dont know how to say Katiad in english.  Plus hit on me aint as cool as Katiad ) me and then from me being Mikes girlfriend we became friends.  Eventually  Mike and I went our separate ways but you remained my friend. 

When it was my sons birthday,  you came all the way to thika with omosh and Mark which was a pleasant surprise  because  we all knew you not to be about that life 😂😂😂.

We have been friends since 2006 when I joined MMU then KCCT.

This other part of the story is harder  for me.

It was a sunday evening and I was just from enjoying my Sunday afternoon nap.  I remember seeing a message  on whatsup from Omosh and thinking that it had been a while since we spoke. 

When I read the message, I at first thought I was dreaming. How could it be?  We had just argued  a few days before about some silly stuff. What could he be meaning when he text that you had passed on!  Thats impossible, You can't die,  you dont die!  We were going to grow old together. We had plans,  what of that beach house I was going to come visit you and your family in with my family ? 

What of the other projects?  The projects  we talked about at length? And The promise to be friends till we were old!  What of those promises?  What did they mean by dead?

Just a few months before,  You were sending me  pictures of a girl you liked telling me that she could be the one. I remember  laughing then telling you that you were catching on to the marriage bug.  Ooooh my heart broke for her.

I ask myself now, who will flatter me on the pictures  I post on my whatsup  stories?  Who will piss me off with snotty comments about stuff I said while chatting or I Post? When I hear some reggae songs tears still flow because they remind me of you.

Who will tell me how am acting is not Christ like? 

I have so many questions  but as time goes by am starting  to accept that you are gone for real though difficult . Not a day goes by that you have not crossed my mind. I think about that night alot,  the one you left us.  I always hope that you felt no pain that you just closed your eyes and crossed over to the other side. I miss you so much and I will always pray for your family when you cross my mind which is often. Ours was a bond that was unexplainable.  

Finally, words from a song you made me love...

Even though you broke my heart
And I lay here in the dark
Tears rolling down my face
And flowing from my heart
I will never leave your side, ride or die. Right here till the end... 

You will forever remain my friend. 

Forever a part of my story.

Gone but never forgotten.
💗💖💕

Redemption Story

On my last post, I promised to start my story on the day I got born again. Here is that story.

After the birth of my son, I didn't know what was next. I decided that I would take one day at a time. If you knew me then you can attest to my don't care attitude. I never concerned my self with anything, I was for the notion that it would always sort itself out, whatever it was. I had decided if I was not to go back to school then I would stay home until my folks grew tired of me. Haha!

So when my Dad told me to and get the fee structure I was excited for two things. 1. I was going back to school and 2. I was getting my freedom back. I rejoined college in July of 2008 Alvin was now 1 year old so it was okay to leave him.

I was excited to go back to school and I was also sad that I was going to leave Alvin. But we had agreed with my parents that I would be in school from Monday to Friday and make sure that I  was home Friday.

I know you are now thinking that well she must have learnt her lesson by now so she should be a model student this time round. Well...... you thought wrong I was even worst than before I was drinking more, and getting into relationships that were offering me nothing.

I kept feeling like life had dealt me a bad hand and no matter how I played it there was no may I could come out on top. ( You know those pity parties we throw ourselves) But there was an emptiness I felt inside and it was growing deeper by the day. No amount of pleasure seemed to fill the void.

So on this particular Saturday  night on the 10th of April 2010,  with my friend Angie (Remember her?) we were planning to go out and party like we often did but this time, when we got to the school gate for some reason (Read Holy Spirit) we changed our minds and decided to go back and sleep and go to church the next day. When we got to the room we changed our minds again and decided to go out. When we got to the gate again we couldn't leave (Holy Spirit things) . This went on another 2 times until we finally decided to sleep and go to church the next day.

That Sunday morning I woke up at  6:00am, went to wake Angie up because I didn't want to be late for church. Chichie our other friend also said that she would come. We went to Citam Karen for the second service. (Imagine Angie got us late. 😃😃)

All I remember from that service was that the sermon was about Evangelism nothing else not even the pastor only that he was a He. When he was done with the sermon He made an alter call when He asked those who wanted to receive Christ to raise their hands, I didn't hesitate and immediately I did and said the repentance prayer believing in my heart and confessing with my mouth that Jesus Christ is God and that He died for me, all the emptiness I felt was filled with this overwhelming love and peace that I had never felt before and right there and then I knew that my life had changed.

After service Angie and Chichie asked me if I understood what I had just done and All I could do was smile. They gave me a few weeks and told me that I would backslide. Angie it's been 7 years now and am still in the Kingdom 😃😃😃. I should mention that she also got born again a few years later.

If you are walking this salvation journey you know that when we start we are like infants. The Bible also tells us this.

As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby:
1 Peter:2:2

I craved the world, I lived, breathed, talked and ate the word. I prayed about anything and everything. I never missed a day in church, I went for Morning Devotion, lunch hour meetings, Bible study and evening service. I loved it, Still do. I wanted to understand this God that took away all my pain. I wanted to grow deeper in Him and understand him for myself.

When I prayed, God answered my prayers. Whatever I asked of Him he blessed me with.

Months after I began this journey, ( I the Lord knew that I had grown enough to start weaning me) my baby daddy started calling me, remember I have not talked to him since 2009 and we are in 2010.

It was during one of our evening services, I got an international call that I didn't know and decided to step out to answer since service was ending. When I picked I was meet by yelling and insults some I can't even put down,

"YOU ARE NOT A GOOD MOTHER"
"YOU CALL YOURSELF SOMEONE'S MOTHER"

The call dropped but I knew who I was talking to. I cried my heart out. I asked God why He would allow such things to happen to me, I thought since I had accepted Him he would make this easier.
I talked to a friend Esther; she is the first person I talked to when I got born again. She encouraged me and prayed with me

For the next few weeks I would receive such calls and texts from him until one day I decided to be bold enough and call him out.

I asked him if I was the one who had denied him a chance to be in his son's life or was it Him? I told him that I had no problem with him getting involved all he had to do was come see my parents and accept responsibility.

This was in the last weeks of July. In August He texted me and told me that He would be landing in the next six hours.
After that SMS, I didn't here from him again until two weeks later.

I had attended a prayer meeting with my Friend Eddie. As I was praying I remember asking God to sort the matter out once and for all. Minutes later, I receive a call from a strange number I stepped out to pick(I know, I know am in church am supposed to be praying) and this is how that conversation went,
Him: "Hello, I arrived and I would like to see my son"
Me: "I have already told you what I need you to do to resolve all this"
He said okay and hung up, before I could step back in church he called again and asked me what time my dad got home I told him and he said that He would go see Him the next day.

I was both thankful and nervous to know how that would go. I went back to church and continued to worship.

The next day He called to let me know that him and a mzee friend of his had visited my dad and they would be coming home that Saturday officially to talk to my dad.

Immediately after my dad called me and asked me to get home that Friday.

Unannounced

So here is a recap.....

I met a guy,
Dated, broke up,
Met up again,
Hooked up,
Got pregnant,
Kept it secret,
Parents found out,
Gave birth.

Now I feel like we are all caught up 😂😂😂.

So remember I told you that the dad had said that he was ready to take up his part, in the parenting game......

After the baby was born ,for the first few months he use to bring me soup at home and made sure that he called often to check up on us. But there was a problem, He had never told his parents that he was a father. I begged him to tell his parents and mine but he said that he was not ready for his family to find out.

I got angry got his mother's number from his phone  and texted her that I was pregnant and her son was the father. DON'T JUDGE ME. From that day I never heard from him again.

Well a few months after that a mutual friend came home to see my son and he told me that my baby daddy was leaving for greener pastures abroad. I felt so hurt but I could do nothing about it. I chose to move on.

One day as I was coming home from school (ooh sorry! When my son was 1 year my parents took me back to college. Bless the Lord for them)  a car pulled up towards me and stopped a few meters from where I was standing, when they rolled down the window I couldn't believe my eyes...

Two years! I had not seen Him for two years, his son was now walking and he could even call him by his name but he  had never seen his father and here he was.

He said Hi and asked me how our son was doing? I told him that he was now all grown up. He asked if he could come visit and I agreed.( I know, stop judging me ☺☺)

So he came home, of course he first had to be sure that my parents were not around. He had bought him so many toys and I accepted them. I hadn't known that there was an issue with what I had done until My folks came home.

They were so angry that I had accepted the gifts and I was told to return the toys and tell Him that the child had not been eating toys for the last two years, I also can't believe I shared that haha.

I felt so embarrassed I decided not  to return them so I hid them at my friends place. "I can't believe that you gave them all out Angie"

My parents gave me instructions: If He wanted to see the baby He would have to come home and acknowledge that the baby was his. I told him what my parents had said but he refused to do.

He went back to work and never communicated with me again. This was in July of 2009. I went back to school and life went back to normal.

On the 11th of April 2010 at Citam Karen during the second service I gave my life to Christ (I will start with this story on the next blog).

Parents

I'm going to be honest with you  I've been trying to continue with my story since the last post but every time I start, I just can't seem to continue so today I have decide to push through those thoughts and continue. I apologize for the delay.

A few months after that church incident,  the semester was coming to an end and the day I was dreading was fast approaching . I remember before the break we were seated under a tree we loved outside our class and Fashia a Friend made a comment.... 

"I hope when we go home you guys won't be careless and get pregnant" to date I still think she knew she just didn't want to ask me. 

 I went home in may for the holidays and I had made up my mind that unless my folks asked me I was not going to divulge any information.

I use to wear oversize clothes all the time. Funny and embarrassing part..... 

(Now since I never wanted my folks to ever find out,  I had placed a bed pan(read Kasuku tin)  in my bedroom to avoid people finding out that I pee what felt like 200 times in a night.) 

Some days after I got home, while watching TV at night my mum came to where I was and  sat. She did not even bother to beat around the Bush.. 

     "Karimi, are you expectant" ( because this people from kitambo can't just say pregnant) 

My heart sank to my stomach. I said nothing.
 
 "How many months?"
  " six"
"Does the Father know? "
   " Yes"
  " Why did you not say a thing? What was your plan? "
I went mute
All she said was, 

"Your Father will talk to you tomorrow "
I immediately felt the room shrink.

My parents normally come home from work at around 7:00pm. I made sure that food was ready by 5:00pm and the house was clean. I then sat in my bedroom until they came home.

I came out of the bedroom when I heard my name being called out. When I got to the Sitting room, my eyes meet my father's and I could read disappointment written all over His face.

"Karimi, how could you do this? Have I not raised you well?" (with my dad I learnt ever since I was a child that you never interrupted Him when He talked unless He asked you a question so this whole time I just sat quietly.) 

"Who is the Father?"

I just said that he lived in Nairobi. This was a lie, the guy was  from the neighborhood. 

Then  He said: "Your mother will take you for clinic on monday" those were his last words and I was dismissed. 

The next few days were very quiet in the Nkubitu household. I was taken to the clinic on Monday and all the tests were done. When they were testing for HIV my mom and the Matron were giving me a lecture but all I could think about was my status. When the results were out all I could do was thank God. 

I was given the next clinic for 15th of July but Alvin came on the 9th a month early. 

We stayed in Hospital for 15 days then came home. 

Now when I think about everything I can see how God was in every detail. I had never gone for any clinic for seven Months but God took care of my son in the womb.

I thank God so much that my boy is healthy.